Boundaries (Series l)
Boundary is simply what you consider ok and what is not okay.
How Is It Possible To Establish Healthy Boundaries When You Can’t Comfortably Say No?
Saying “NO” is one of the things I have battled with my whole life, I am still trying every day to grasp the concept that NO is a correct answer. How many of us are drawing in this well? Please don’t tell me I am alone. Oh yes, see? We are many.
Establishing boundaries is one of the most selfish acts one can portray as one is usually unapologetically putting their needs first before that of others but also, this is the best way to let others know how best you will like to be treated.
Rooted from our African community, setting boundaries is one act not many people understand or welcome. The truth is, most people are not comfortable when it comes to boundaries, in fact, people make it clear how much they hate boundaries. People usually want to have access to you whenever, wherever and however they want to if you let them.
I had dinner a few days ago with this guy who bluntly told me he does not do well with boundaries. Woo I was thrown aback. Yes, because I find this person well educated and mature, or I will like to believe so of him so I expected more I guess. I am not saying that I expect all educated people to understand the importance of establishing and respecting other people’s boundaries but in this case, I had assumed it was so. As someone who is daily working on how to set healthy boundaries of my own, I knew that this person was not going to fit well in my circle.
Most person also do not set boundaries because they are scared about what people will think of them, they don’t want to disappoint anyone, they don’t want to come off as mean, and they are worried they will not be liked or loved as much etc.
When it comes to relationships be it between parent and child, spouses, neighbors, and most especially friends, I can’t stress enough the importance of setting boundaries, I mean clear healthy boundaries, it sets the tone for a healthy relationship. Please stand on what you believe and value, and let people know what you want and don’t want. Girls take note. As this is a whole series on it’s own.
If someone loves you, they will understand and respect your boundaries.
Everyone’s boundaries are different as they are mostly based on what is important to them. I have come to realize that for me what drives my need to set boundaries is the fact that I want to maintain a certain degree of integrity, I also want to have a good mental state of mind, also I want to make maximum use of my time here on earth amongst many others.
A year and more ago I was that girl who did not have any intentional boundaries set. If at all I had any, it was established unintentionally. For example, my friend Kiria will aalways batch me on my ability to be patient, especially with people and relationships, she will always say “ my sister until you get burnt to ashes you just don’t let go” and we will laugh over that but also she will batch me for having no patience to stay on the phone when she puts my call on hold. I always wonder how I could be so impatient and at the same time very patient in 1 person’s view. Kiria knows that if I am on the phone and she tells me to hold on what I heard is you will call me back when you are done with whatever you are keeping me on hold to do. You see, I had set boundaries unintentionally in relation to that my time is precious and I will not stay or wait on the phone. Generally I hate waiting so not long ago, say few years ago I have taken it upon myself to always be on time. If you are in my African community you know that does not work really well but establishing that boundary with the people around me has been one of the best things ever, I get to events on time which means early in Africa.????
People will hate or condemn you when you start setting boundaries but they will eventually fit in. Don’t let people’s feelings run yours.
One of the reasons people resent or hate people over time is because they have boundaries but do not make it clear to others, or they just do not have boundaries and so they let people do whatever they want to or with them and then they end up hating or resenting that person for doing what they did. Sometimes we get angry with people for pissing us up when in reality it is our fault. That’s why when people apologize you mostly hear them say things like *I didn’t mean to hurt you* yes they did not, you surely did not set boundaries in that department with them, to begin with so they walked passed it unknowingly and that hurts.
Setting boundaries is one of the most important forms of self-care. To me, it is the key to self-love and treating others respectfully and kindly, and teaching others how not to disrespect you.
It is better to be loving and generous and still be clear about what is okay and what’s not okay. It is also very important to respect people’s boundaries even if they do or do not make them clear to you.
One scenario I had recently.
Personally, I hate people calling me on video calls be it WhatsApp, face time, Facebook, etc without asking me first if it is ok. I hate it, to me, it is just not appropriate as you might not know what I am doing or who I am with, it is just too invasive. This guy who is a very good friend of mind, unfortunately, loves calling on video. So every time he calls on video I do not pick up and after the call, I call him back on audio. Even after making it clear to him how I feel about it he still just does not get it so he decided not to call me for a while. People really don’t do well with boundaries
I got to go. Let’s make this a series and I will continue next week but before you go, please tell us
1: How you feel about boundaries
2: What are some boundaries you have established
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