Royal Warior

The NO In Boundaries

Boundaries (Series l)

Boundary is simply what you consider ok and what is not okay.

How Is It Possible To Establish Healthy Boundaries When You Can’t Comfortably Say No?

Saying “NO” is one of the things I have battled with my whole life, I am still trying every day to grasp the concept that NO is a correct answer. How many of us are drawing in this well? Please don’t tell me I am alone. Oh yes, see? We are many.

Establishing boundaries is one of the most selfish acts one can portray as one is usually unapologetically putting their needs first before that of others but also, this is the best way to let others know how best you will like to be treated.

Rooted from our African community, setting boundaries is one act not many people understand or welcome. The truth is, most people are not comfortable when it comes to boundaries, in fact, people make it clear how much they hate boundaries. People usually want to have access to you whenever, wherever and however they want to if you let them.

I had dinner a few days ago with this guy who bluntly told me he does not do well with boundaries. Woo I was thrown aback. Yes, because I find this person well educated and mature, or I will like to believe so of him so I expected more I guess. I am not saying that I expect all educated people to understand the importance of establishing and respecting other people’s boundaries but in this case, I had assumed it was so. As someone who is daily working on how to set healthy boundaries of my own, I knew that this person was not going to fit well in my circle.

Most person also do not set boundaries because they are scared about what people will think of them, they don’t want to disappoint anyone, they don’t want to come off as mean, and they are worried they will not be liked or loved as much etc.

When it comes to relationships be it between parent and child, spouses, neighbors, and most especially friends, I can’t stress enough the importance of setting boundaries, I mean clear healthy boundaries, it sets the tone for a healthy relationship. Please stand on what you believe and value, and let people know what you want and don’t want. Girls take note. As this is a whole series on it’s own.

If someone loves you, they will understand and respect your boundaries.

Everyone’s boundaries are different as they are mostly based on what is important to them. I have come to realize that for me what drives my need to set boundaries is the fact that I want to maintain a certain degree of integrity, I also want to have a good mental state of mind, also I want to make maximum use of my time here on earth amongst many others.

A year and more ago I was that girl who did not have any intentional boundaries set. If at all I had any, it was established unintentionally. For example, my friend Kiria will aalways batch me on my ability to be patient, especially with people and relationships, she will always say “ my sister until you get burnt to ashes you just don’t let go” and we will laugh over that but also she will batch me for having no patience to stay on the phone when she puts my call on hold. I always wonder how I could be so impatient and at the same time very patient in 1 person’s view. Kiria knows that if I am on the phone and she tells me to hold on what I heard is you will call me back when you are done with whatever you are keeping me on hold to do. You see, I had set boundaries unintentionally in relation to that my time is precious and I will not stay or wait on the phone. Generally I hate waiting so not long ago, say few years ago I have taken it upon myself to always be on time. If you are in my African community you know that does not work really well but establishing that boundary with the people around me has been one of the best things ever, I get to events on time which means early in Africa.????

People will hate or condemn you when you start setting boundaries but they will eventually fit in. Don’t let people’s feelings run yours.

One of the reasons people resent or hate people over time is because they have boundaries but do not make it clear to others, or they just do not have boundaries and so they let people do whatever they want to or with them and then they end up hating or resenting that person for doing what they did. Sometimes we get angry with people for pissing us up when in reality it is our fault. That’s why when people apologize you mostly hear them say things like *I didn’t mean to hurt you* yes they did not, you surely did not set boundaries in that department with them, to begin with so they walked passed it unknowingly and that hurts.

Setting boundaries is one of the most important forms of self-care. To me, it is the key to self-love and treating others respectfully and kindly, and teaching others how not to disrespect you.

It is better to be loving and generous and still be clear about what is okay and what’s not okay. It is also very important to respect people’s boundaries even if they do or do not make them clear to you.

One scenario I had recently.

Personally, I hate people calling me on video calls be it WhatsApp, face time, Facebook, etc without asking me first if it is ok. I hate it, to me, it is just not appropriate as you might not know what I am doing or who I am with, it is just too invasive. This guy who is a very good friend of mind, unfortunately, loves calling on video. So every time he calls on video I do not pick up and after the call, I call him back on audio. Even after making it clear to him how I feel about it he still just does not get it so he decided not to call me for a while. People really don’t do well with boundaries

I got to go. Let’s make this a series and I will continue next week but before you go, please tell us

1: How you feel about boundaries

2: What are some boundaries you have established


9 Responses

  1. Hahaaa Another one!! Setting boundaries!! Thanks for the morning read. I will keep requesting videos instead so I can see your beautiful face in motion. I have always admired my younger sister who has clear boundaries in her relationships with family, with friends. You would think her circle is small. We both grew up in the same African household where saying NO=RUDE. This girl knows everyone and thier cousin’s, cousin’s, however she has established boundaries around her since we were kids. She has always had no problem making decisions. She makes a decision and she sticks to it. Unlike me who could never decide what my favorite color was, this girl has always known her favorite color was brown.
    As children, no one touched her toys. Even when she is not around, we knew her toys where out of bounds. She does not people please. So, she made it clear that her toys were hers and if she had to make friends by sharing, she would rather not have friends. As grown-ups, no family member calls her for little gossips or small talk. My point is, people don’t even have the chance to put her in an emotional drain.
    When I call her to vent about my experience with maybe my Dad, she would ask me questions such as “why do you think Daddy comes to you but not to me with all these peddy things?” I use to think that, absorbing the emotions of my dad = him loving me more until recently, I found out, his passwords to all accounts were my sister’s name, all his international financial accounts were opened in her name. I recently asked him why all those things were set in her name and not mine. He opened these accounts some 20years ago in my sister’s name and he said “She is very mindful, she has clear boundaries, she is not a people pleaser, and she does not feed into the need for Validation” I carry my hand for my head…
    Like I said, I hate to write. But in the next series, I will tell you how much, I struggle with boundary setting. The successes I have had in defining my space..

  2. Beautiful write up????it actually took me a long time to get to where I am now with regards to setting boundaries. In the past I’ll let certain things slide not because I was scared of people or wanted to please them I just didn’t want to hurt their feelings. In the end, I hurt mine, lately I’ve made conscious efforts to set boundaries, they’ll get mad, will they adjust? Yes, will they say I’ve changed? Yes but it doesn’t matter because your mental health matters and people will get use to you setting your boundaries and they will respect it.

  3. Thanks for sharing once more sis. I used to be a people pleaser, so to me saying NO was disrespectful, like most Africans. Growing up, however, I got to notice that my brother, who would say NO before you even finished your sentence or request, was more respected than me. I understood that people did not just respect him as a person, but because he had a strong mindset and boundaries.
    One of the 1st boundaries I’ve set was “NO phone calls after 10pm, no matter who it is”. That has made many angry in the beginning, but after sometimes they got to understand, unwillingly, that a boundary IS a boundary. I mean, how could I be of help to you if my mind is set to go to bed?
    Anyway, let’s continue this topic because I need to be setting more boundaries as we speak

  4. Another beautiful read from a beautiful lady! Thanks for sharing. Excuse me for being vague here, but I can be a little more personal in verbal conversation. One statement you made that said « pple will eventually learn to accept your boundaries and respect them » is the concept I live by. It’s ok to disagree with my boundaries but they are MINE. Agree with them or not, just respect them if you and I have to interact in any kind of circles. And I will do thesame. Setting boundaries usually earns the title of « uptight » « not flexible », and more. But it’s simply one thing, your desires do not align with the pple who will call u those names. So bottom line to me is be your own person pleaser first before being a pple pleaser with whatever energy you have left. My 2 cents ????.

  5. Good one. Quite difficult to set boundaries but they should exists for sure. I am still working on implementing them respectfully and sticking to them. Overall, boundaries are important for self care and a firm balance and certainly worth it

  6. Your dress Is the eye..! But yes , I’d personally say I struggle, unconsciously with saying saying no because of fear of perception. A lot of it has to do with what we were exposed to growing up, or how certain critical moments changed us. All be it, it’s good to take a moment to think of your answer and real reason you’re saying yes or no before proceeding.
    It’s ok to say “let me think about it”. So that you are not under pressure of your emotions, or your unconscious mind.

  7. Thank you for this masterpiece, it has served as a wake up call to me. I love to auto critic and I’ve just noticed I never really set boundaries and I’m good at over stepping other’s boundaries especially my loved ones. I can’t count numerous times I’ve been mad at someone for telling me No, and sometimes I will never take no fit an answer and other times even when it’s most inconvenient I’m compelled to say Yes bc I don’t know how to say no. I think I need to go back to the drawing board and start setting some boundaries and respecting boundaries. By the way you look stunning ????????

  8. Essential read! I feel you! It also took me some time to understand how critical it was for me to establish and respect my boundaries. And certainly, I received push-back from those close to me. The way I see it, I need to be balanced in order to stay balanced in my relationships and boundaries do that. What’s key to remember when setting boundaries is your intention for setting them. If it comes from a positive place, that energy will eventually transcend even with early resistance ????

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