Royal Warior

“How Are You?” Why Do You Ask?

“If you want to make a good friend, be a good friend”

Wake me up please, it is Friday already. This week has definitely been a very fast one for me, Monday was just yesterday and today is Friday. Time passes by so fast when we are busy they say, but the question is busy doing what? I want to take ample time this weekend to intentionally pause long enough to see and take inventory of where I am and where I am heading to see if it aligns with where I want to be. But before I take you through the journey in my head today, let me ask you the million-dollar question “ How are you?”

“Maintaining rich and vibrant relationships takes work, commitment, and shared expectations.”

Like most of us, I guess your answer was “ I am fine” and if you are polite enough you will continue with a “thank you” but are you really as fine as you just said? Just like that we truly have been programmed to answer this question with an “I am fine” even when truly we are not. sadly as a parent, I am guilty of teaching my kids when they were younger to always answer the “how are you” question with a polite “I am fine answer”. Not that anything is wrong with the answer but I would have rather asked them to reply as truthfully as they feel.

We won’t always agree on everything, but we can still root for and love each other.

But wait before I bury myself in blame or guilt, was the person’s “how are you” truly an honest “ how are you”? This question is one question that is very often misused. I find that some people use it for greetings, some use it as small talk or starter, others use it just because they want to be polite, etc. In all my life I can not count the number of “how are you” questions or should I say statements which I have had but only a few have stuck with me. My friend calls me all the time and as usual, she asks me how I am doing and I also usually reply with my I am fine. This time, after my usual reply, she paused and then she asked again, this the time she said: “really, how are you doing today?” that hit a different nerve for me. I could feel the intentionality when she asked that question the second time, it was the way she asked it, the tone, and the intentionality in her voice, I felt like someone really cares, I felt like she did not want to stay guessing about my well-being or go off from the superficial social media post or the passive I am the fine answers I give all the time or the happy facade. My answer this time was definitely not the same. I am truly grateful to be blessed with intentional friends.

We are full of guidance and inspiration on becoming our truest self

Are You Ready For The Truth?

Though it is nice to ask people how they are doing we also have to be ready to receive the truth if they decide to be honest. We are hardly worried about this because most people are not honest with their feelings and even when they are they choose to bottle it up for fear of so many things which we will talk about another time. Men, am I communicating? ????… Let’s try this experience as we get into the weekend and please come back and share your experience with us in the comment section. The first person to ask you the question “ how are you” after you read this post please answer with an “ I am not find” and see what happens next or how they react. Please do. We are so used to the highs and always searching for the positive so much so that many people really do not like or do not respond well to the “ I am not fine” answer. When we hear that, we mostly jump into our emotional protective suits. Most people don’t want anything that reminds them about the side of themselves that is not happy. For instance, you saying I am not find quickly reminds me I am not fine too.


I will cut off here hoping that you have learned a thing or 2 from here. While waiting on your comments, I will see you soon.


17 Responses

  1. I can’t tell you how many times my brother in law and I have gone back and forth about this question. He’s always wondering if I really want to know how he is doing or if I’m asking as a formality. It is true that we almost always respond with I am fine so that we don’t burden anyone with our problems or not to be perceived as weak or that the person doesn’t care enough to really want to know. I have a friend who is usually very intentional about that question when he checks in, in fact he does it in person too when we hang out. We wear different hats and different marks everyday, not wanting anybody to know exactly how we are doing our feeling sometimes for fear of being judged. Having someone we can be vulnerable with is special. Very thought provoking piece.

  2. How are you? Lol. This is a question you are not allowed to answer otherwise. Reason being no one has time for your problems and this question is very superficial. It’s not therapeutic moment. It’s a “I see you, you see me kind of situation”
    With that said, there are those 2-3 people in your life that really ask this question with intentions. Know those people and invest your time to grow those relationships.
    I like this topics. Keep them coming.

    1. @ Lisa. Your whole response is a highlighted reality! You are speaking facts. I can definitely resonate with this. Beautiful for that insight.

  3. BTW!! Lets talk about the fine size of your closet. The outfit is giving!!!! I love it.
    Once more, a good morning read. It will better if you delivered this one in your very solemn and sincere voice. Just saying.
    “How are you” is one of the open ended questions, I DON’T ask my kids. Despite desperately wanting to know how they are doing, I avoid asking it because the response will be robotic. “I’m fine” it even seems to be scripted and never or mostly doesn’t reflects one’s true sentiments.
    When I pickup my oldest Son from school, I start by asking him to tell me about his day, then I proceed to asking him how the various aspects of his day made him feel. I explore more about his feelings than a simple “How are you?”
    Just like you, I also enjoy when someone is intentional about exploring my feelings then I truly pour out like an overflowing dam. To me, this is what differentiates an acquaintance from a friend.
    I beg I don go. School drop off time.

    1. You are always my best read the morning after I post. As much as u say u do not like to write or read, you are good at it. I think I sld write more so u will write more ????????. As for my fine closet ????

  4. Nice write up. It’s okay not to be fine sometimes but we should be able to accept it and fine a way to push through no matter what. In the real sense we can’t be fine all the time , I agree with you on that ‘say I am not fine when you feeling that way ‘ there is a relief that comes after expressing your true feelings. Please write everyday. Love you ????

  5. This is a beautiful write up. My first question when I pick up the phone to call is to ask the receiver how are you? Honestly I have been socialized to use that as a starter but my subconscious is always very sensitive to sieve the undertone I’m not fine from the glossy I’m fine response. I sometimes try to poke more to know exactly what’s going on but I wouldn’t push further if the individual isn’t forth coming because we respect boundaries. I have always been an emotional person and it’s rare for me to answer I’m fine when really I don’t feel okay, my feelings are always very honest and sincere around my loved ones and thankfully they always listen when I get on to vent about why I’m not okay in that moment.

  6. Thank you for pointing @ this. It’s true we often just respond with a “yes I’m fine” just to let the question pass. But like you said we have to be intentional when we ask this questions. Sometimes those who ask the questions we Sometimes don’t feel comfortable enough to open up to them so we just say fine not to make the bad situation worst . Thank you for bringing this out.I have learnt today to be intentional when I check on people.Thank you

  7. What a beautiful write up. I have never ever thought this way. What inspired you to think like so? Bravo! More wisdom and inspiration.

  8. Good job on bringing this to light . Gwen. We are lining in realities where it’s hard to tell how “well” someone is actually doing. From social media posting, to busy life schedules.
    Asking with good and prepared intention. Not just for formality sake. When you are prepared and intentional about asking this question the energy and tone resonate sincerely to the recipient, creating a safe space fir then to be genuine about their response.

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